Titles are overrated

More than anything, this lockdown has been my moment to actually take care of myself. In between all the stress, I could just relax for a bit. Instead of distracting myself to feel better, I could at least try to find out what it was making me feel bad in the first place. If I was having an off day, I could actually give myself the day off, instead of pushing myself to classes that would drain me and still not teach me anything.

It’s gotten to the point where I just realized that maybe, just maybe, I don’t want to go back to how things were before. Quite frankly, I’m a horrible student and I’m even worse at my job. The scouting group I’m in is transphobic, homophobic and simply toxic. The only reason I still volunteer at my local youth center is because I was feeling too guilty to quit. I don’t actually miss or want to go back to any of those things.

The problem isn’t that I think my life is so bad, because it really isn’t. It’s just that I now finally have the time to be gentle with myself, to study out of motivation instead of requirement and to do things I’m passionate about; now I’m afraid that I’ve gotten used to it. But it can’t last. The assessment deadlines are coming up. My scouting already started up last week and my boss is already scheduling me for my next shift. It won’t be too long before everything turns back to the way it used to be.

The thing with breaks is that you always know how long they’re going to last. Two weeks in the fall, six weeks in the summer, a couple of days around eastern. This lockdown wasn’t like that. There was no counting of the days still to go, no real way to schedule what to do with your time, no way to look ahead for more than a few weeks at a time. I liked it. I’ve never planned for the future, even at the times I probably should’ve been. It’s not the smartest thing, but it’s what I do (yes I’m aware that’s a fallacy and that it means I’m living in ‘bad faith’, sue me, Sartre).

The thing I’m missing most right now is being able to spend time with my friends. Also, maybe a reason to get out of bed in the morning, having a routine wasn’t the worst thing. I guess I miss the feeling of being productive as well. Knowing that you’re putting in the work to achieve your goals, reaching your full potential, all that crap. So… Maybe it is time that everything goes back to normal. Time to catch up on my schoolwork and write about all this like I wanted to. Go back to my shitty job with shitty pay. See my classmates, coworkers and friends again. Honestly, see anyone who isn’t my sister or my parents. I know going back to the old normal won’t be as big of a deal as I make it out to be in my head and I’d be lying if I said I didn’t miss it at all, but sometimes I wonder if I’m ever going to look back on these past few months and miss all of this too.

P.S. I posted before midnight? I didn’t even know I had it in me tbh